Boundaries: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
This Holiday Season, give the gift of boundaries to your loved ones.
Keep it cozy but inside the rails, like my mom’s Christmas village :-) Ignore the outside stuff- it’s just you know baby Jesus in the manger on the left and Christmas fun land on the right… :-/ I tried. Sigh, boundaries are hard…
As December approaches, I like to check in with clients about the holidays. While there are a select few who’ve set excellent boundaries around their time and have carved out a holiday that works for them, they are the exception, not the rule. Most clients feel they are the Christmas turkey: trussed with expectations from family members and stuffed with a bitter recipe of stress, resentment and exhaustion.
Fun times!
And this stress is by no means equally distributed. While men’s mental health is also impacted during the holidays, a recent survey co-authored by Yorkville University and Telus health find that women are 40% more likely to experience heightened stress during the Christmas season.
Why? Because women are usually the ones tasked with keeping up the traditions, making the meals, decorating the homes, making sure everybody has a very thoughtful gift, etc. The stress of giving everybody a “perfect Christmas” on top of the stress of already attempting to “do it all” in our regular life sends many of us over the edge according to a 2006 survey by the American Psychological Association (APA): we start eating all the Christmas cookies in sight, take a third, maybe fourth glass of wine, then, on top of the real stresses of lack of time, lack of money and pressure to give gifts, we feel like crap and blame ourselves. We begin the month of December with the kind of dread reserved for Freddie Kruger and end the month bloated, exhausted and feeling like we’ve been run over by a stampede of family, friends, expectations, credit card bills, not to mention turkey, pie and alcohol.
Then we go back to work.
While a half dozen shortbread or another sip of heavily spiked eggnog might make you feel good in the moment, these are band-aid solutions at best—they don’t solve the problem, just make it a little more bearable in the moment.
To reclaim the holiday for yourself, I invite you to go straight to the root of all the stress: the simple fact that you are saying yes when you want to say no OR not saying anything when you could be letting your mother know what you really think of her detailed itinerary for the whole holiday week.
So. How can you make this season more bearable?
Here is a simple exercise that may help you. Take a minute, grab a cup of soothing herbal tea or go for a walk.
Ask yourself the following questions:
1. What would my ideal holiday season look like?
At this stage, we are simply blue-skying it. Answers may look like:
I want to spend my Christmas morning alone with my family and not be rushed so I can enjoy the big extended family Christmas dinner.
I want us to stay in our pajamas all day—after presents we eat a big breakfast, play some games, maybe watch a movie and then go for a walk. Dinner is Take Out and a Holiday movie on the couch.
I love to cook and enjoy having people over. I want a cozy morning around the tree in the morning and then to be left alone in the kitchen to do the cooking and baking my way while I listen to a juicy audiobook. Ideally, nobody would talk to me for about three hours.
I want to skip it all and go to Hawaii.
Or…?
2. What are the elements in the current Holiday plans that are the most misaligned with the above? What causes your stomach to sink into you boots, the part that fills you with the most dread?
Examples could be:
Needing to be in three different locations on one day
Forced to host people you don’t want to
Having to accommodate a problematic family member (e.g., an alcoholic parent, a racist aunt, an abusive sibling, etc.)
Not going to Hawaii and all of the above.
Clue: Your Body is Trying to Tell you Something
The sinking feeling in your stomach, the tightness in your chest or the clenching of your jaw when you think of a certain aspect of the holidays is data. These are tell-tale signs you’re going along with something that is not okay with you, that you are saying yes at the expense of your own needs, desires and well-being. And that my friend, is the definition of porous boundaries.
If you would like to know more about boundaries, Therapist Aid has a very informative
6-minute video explaining what unhealthy and healthy boundaries look like.
Boundaries and Family Systems
Family systems are notorious for a heady mixture of porous and rigid boundaries which makes the holiday season a powder keg of both expectation, resistance and resentment.
For instance, when we come from an enmeshed family system—basically when everyone is all up in each other’s grill—the expectation may be that we come home for Christmas and spend every waking moment with family. When you try to push back on that you’re faced with disappointing your loved ones at Christmas and even in some cases triggering passive-aggressive (guilt trips, emotional manipulation, etc.) or aggressive strategies (overt control, threats to cut you off, etc.). It makes sense that you may want to avoid the drama by complying. It might be torture for you, but at least you won’t have to deal with the fall out.
Remember the Body?
Except you do. The studies mentioned above show how holiday stress takes a toll on the body. Your family might be fine with you ignoring your own needs but, in the end, you will pay the price with your own physical and mental health. Which, by the way, serves no one.
So. Here is the rock and the hard place choice:
Don’t set boundaries and don’t assert your needs and watch your own health and well-being crumble like shortbread dipped in Bailey’s spiked coffee, or …
Set boundaries based on what feels acceptable and not acceptable for you during the holidays, let your family know and deal with the possible guilt of having disappointed loved ones and at worst (in really dysfunctional families) get cut off for it.
Option 1 is the status quo until your health fails and you are forced to go to option 2 anyways.
Option 2 means you have a better chance of having a lighter, more stress-free Christmas this year and the years to come. Though there may be some disappointment and consequent guilt at first, family systems rapidly adjust. And who knows? Maybe you’re not the only one that feels like it is too much— maybe others will be secretly grateful you spoke out.
3. Now that you have identified what feels unacceptable to you, what boundaries need to be put in place to help you get closer to your ideal holiday?
Examples could like:
I’m fine going to the big Christmas dinner as long as I get the morning with my family.
I will let me sibling know, that though I am super happy to see them and hang out with them, I need to be able to come home to quiet and solitude so I don’t burn out. But I have friends who are away during the holidays and they can stay there.
I’m going to have a separate day event with Dad, when I can be sure he’s not drunk yet. Or, I am going to let Mom know that I will not be coming this year as it is too painful for me to be around her when she is drunk.
I will purchase plane tickets right now for Hawaii.
You Are the Only One Who Can Steward Your Needs
Boundaries are not about being selfish or putting your needs above the rest—it is about putting your needs on par with those of your loved ones.
As Brené Brown says: Clear is Kind. If the Christmas plan is making you stressed out and miserable, that benefits no one. Learning how to assert our own needs so that we can show up as engaged and present for those around us is a gift that keeps on giving: for your health, your sanity and, though they may find it bitter medicine at first, even for your loved ones.
So, go forth my friends and make one small step to a better, more boundaried holiday season.
May the force be with you.
